Child Birthing Class Report

07.26.08

We went to Child Birthing Classes today at the mall. Trident has a classroom at Northwoods Mall that they use to offer a variety of classes. I will have to say that this was the first time I have ever walked into the mall with pillows and a blanket. The classroom was pretty crowded. We were definitely in the minority of those that have found out what they are having. I don't even know where to begin but here it goes...

The first thing is that going forward from here, LA and I will not listen to your horror stories about child birthing. By you telling her these stories you are creating unnecessary fear. If you have a good story about the beauty of child birth, we will listen; but otherwise let's just keep that birthing horror story to yourself. This child birthing class was really more than a child birthing class. It was a life lesson class. How to deal with stress, tension and instead of reacting to situation we need to respond. Instead of reacting to the situation like we normally would by flying off the handle and raising our blood pressure, we need to respond. We learned breathing techniques to breath in the good and exhale to bad - deep breaths in and a deep breath out with a sigh. I learned that throughout this process I have to be LA's rock, her Moses. When LA takes her shower after giving birth, she has to cry it all out and wash everything down the drain - just let it all go.
We watched the birthing video that you hear so much about. I am pretty sure that the video was early 80's which makes me assume that it isn't very profitable to make birthing videos. I guess it's like the teacher said, the process hasn't changed much over the years. However, it would be nice to have a newer video with a pretty woman and a dreamy guy (LA made me put that part). Surely, someone would be willing to volunteer for a few bucks. Maybe that could be a way for LA and I to start the college fund. I am thinking ours would be more of a comedy/"don't do it this way" type of video. I can't describe the video with words but it was funny. The good news is that I didn't turn my head, feel queasy, or pass out. I did learn from the video that I need to practice my singing - the guy in the video was singing "She'll we coming round the mountain". Come on, admit it, you're laughing - We were! I am trying to find a couple of good songs to learn. Got any suggestions?
We did learn a couple of breathing techniques - the 4 in/out, 2 in/out and the he,he,who,who. Should we be concerned that we couldn't do them in the class without laughing? Will we be able to do them in the delivery room? The instructor did threaten the men with a story of a husband who was being verbally mean to his wife during delivery. The nurse asked him to step in the hallway and told him to lighten up on the verbal beating he was giving his wife and to imagine passing a golf ball through his penis - now that hurts just thinking about it.

We learned about the "ring of fire" - 10cm dilated as the babies head passes through. Maybe that will be the song I sing. We are also going to take the placenta home and plant a tree on top of it. It's full of good stuff. She even suggested, which I thought was pure gold,that we call friends over to do tasks around the house after the baby is born and we are at home. She told us that would separate our true friends from those that are just standby friends. FYI - I like my shirts ironed with a little starch, the floors vacuumed then damp mopped. Everything you'll need to cook and wash the dishes are provided. We'll need some yard work done also.

The final lesson was relaxation techniques. We all laid on the floor with our blanket and pillows and the instructor tried to have us visualize going to the beach. During her description of the beach, I began to hear someone snoring lightly and then very heavy. They were knocked out, give that student an "A". LA and I were about to bust out laughing. The last part was me becoming in tune with LA's body and where she is tense. I aced that part. LA would tense a part of her body and I would find it - it was her butt every time.

We graduated and got our diploma from baby birthing class. Only 6 more weeks...hope we don't forget everything before the big day.

PS - I forgot the best thing about the whole day. We had Chick-Fil-A for lunch. It was the most expensive Chick-Fil-A lunch we have ever had and we didn't get waffle fries - fruit instead. I'm sure it had something to do with baby nutrition but at this point I don't think a few grapes, apple pieces and oranges are going to make a difference. So lunch was the high point of the day.

PPS - I forgot the most important lesson we learned from the class. The 4-1-1 on 5-1-1. The 5-1-1 is when you head to the hospital - five contractions lasting one minute for one hour. So basically a contraction every 12 minutes for an hour.